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Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Peace of my mind/ 5:25 PM Woke up at 8am this morning. Had this crazy dream of visiting toilets just before I woke up. To make it crazier, the logos outside the toilets said "R21", "M21" and "F21". Don't ask me why. It's just crazy. The 1st thing that greeted me this morning wasn't much of a good news. Just felt quite disgusted by the fact that it happened and it has to be something in the family thing. I didn't want to start off the day with some explicitives shooting off infront of my nephew, neither did I think of it. It's just too crap to begin a day with news like that. Went to ransack for a new pair of army new balance cos I was just too lazy to retreive my old pair in the car downstairs. Went for a morning warm-up run to let off some steam. Big mistake for wearing those new shoes. Pain. Running's supposed to clear my mind of the thoughts but mine was rather preoccupied with events and theories why such things are happening. Couldn't really concentrate on the run and took a turn back home instead. The things that unfolded in M'sia are no less than dramatic. I'm not angry just disappointed and disheartened I guess. Ungrateful? Perhaps. It's not like my dad owes them a living or anything. What goes around comes around. Karma will come knocking on their doors 1 day. I'm certain of that. While under the cold shower, I was thinking, what would I write if I were to write a letter to my dad. It would most probably go like that... Hi Dad, It must have been weird to hear from me out of the blue. Since young, we've never been the kind of dad-son who have heart-to-heart-talks. I guess that must've been the age gap in between us. I admit I was envious of kor who can always engage in those 'adult talks' you all had in the room or kitchen. I was never allowed to make any comment. When I probed for the reason, you said that I'll understand when I grow up. We never quite talked much. I never asked, you never said. Your past became a mystery to me. I felt slightly insulted when even da sao knew something that I didn't even know about you...and the thing is, I'm your son. Nevertheless, I understood these are sacrifices you have made as a father. Who in this world doesn't want to be with their family? You were hardly around. You used to come back every 2-3 wks and in recent years; barely once a month cos of the business; and now you can't come out because of the quarantine. I didn't know much of what happened in the past. I launch a strong defence for you when I overheard Ah Yi and Ah Ma criticisms. Even though I did not know what happened exactly, I'm sure you had your reasons. Remember when I was still barely 4 or 5 years old, you'd always bring me to kopitiam or markets for breakfasts. I enjoyed bak kut teh, duck rice and vegetarian beehoon kuay teow while you enjoyed your puff of cigarettes. We used to talk about my aspirations and sad to tell you now, lawyer or pilot I did not turn out to be. You used to stuff an unlit cigarette in my mouth, tie your neck tie around me and allowed me to wear your specs for picture taking - my son, the big boss you exclaimed, when you took the pictures. I did stole a few puffs while u were in the toilet and left the cigarette unattended. Thankfully, I did not pick up smoking cos I didn't find it good for 'destress-ing' as you claimed but rather a costly habit. I did pick up another of your habit of buying hope, queuing up religiously for 4D, Toto or bigsweep once in a while, with lots of self-control on my expenditure on that...no worries... I still think is 1 hell of a cool job one can have. Not easy money but great exposure and fun. It's crazy for you to leave your job in accountancy and take on a very different job scope altogether. Having fun while working I see. It was alright cos Pang Swee Kor was still working for the family plantation then. He was a reliable, hardworking, honest and responsible man, no doubts that he'll take good care of us if he manages the business. Yet fate has it, he passed on while he was in his prime. I didn't expect things in M'sia to turn so dramatically. The scenes of betrayal, absconding with $, plotting against one's family seemed so surreal. Even though I was only 10 back then, I could tell something major has happened. You were quarelling more with mum, you came back less frequently, you eventually gave up more tour groups to work in the family plantation - something that you've not really touched for the past 50 over years of your life. Remember how you used to piggy back me when I was little? In exchange for the massage and pounding on your backs, you'd offer me 2min of piggybacking. I'd bargain for 5 and you'd always give in to me. Guess what? This time, I'm doing the same for Nath. I believe that as part of the family, we shouldn't be calculative and I finally understood what you meant by "I have only 1 brother to count on". Sad to say that since then, as you returned to Singapore less and over time, I could see your weight loss, greying hairs and getting tanned as you laboured in the fields trying to steady the business. Till now, there's little I could do but try my best not to give you additional burden and I'll make you proud of me. Even though you never once mentioned, I do set myself high standards. Even if I do not score well, at least I'll turn out to be someone with high integrity and moral principles, unlike someone in the family. I was damn pissed when the request for us not to turn up for 3rd Aunt's birthday came and reason because they don't want the atmosphere to be awkward. Seems like we're the unwelcomed ones in the celebration and we're in the wrong! How dare they! Those ungrateful and unappreciative creeps should be ashamed of themselves for what you've done. Even as mum and kor ridiculed you for being silly for helping them too much at the expense of your own family, it was no doubt a noble thing for you to do for the past 12 years. What goes around, comes around. I hope 1 day they'll have a taste of their own medicine. Family is one thing but I can't take it lying down when they've been pushing their weights too much too often. If only I could help. Maybe kor was right. I was born right..but at the wrong time..a few years too late. |
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