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Saturday, October 31, 2009
Stopped making waves/ 12:43 AM It's been a nice 10 years of blogging. It's about time for me to really re-think my priorities in life and also to hold back any thoughts of penning down my thoughts. Blogging has been part of my life but I guess this life needs some adjustments. The cyber world is a good place to write down my thoughts, my feelings, my experience and keeping my friends updated on my happenings, in case they ever wonder if I'm still alive. And many a times, I've seen how things can go out of hand just by mere words typed out on the screen. So I've decided. This is it... If there's a problem, solve it. If it can't be solved, talk it out. If it can't be talked, then perhaps there isn't a problem at all or you are choosing to ignore it... Today marks the day. It's 4 years of nice memories this blog holds and 6 years' worth from my first blog. I remembered I started off by touching on current affairs and how I hoped the democrats will win the presidency back in 1999. Slowly, the entries morphed into my personal diary where I'll write out something closer to the heart and reflections about life. I even set new year resolutions for myself year by year and towards the end of December each year, I'll look back and see how many targets I've achieved. Not to forget, entries in my first blog were to remember particular events and people - like how I blogged about my sec sch classmates when I graduated from RV. I practically had to force myself to recall something unique and particular about them so that I can remind myself of their good points (or weirdness) in the later years. It's because friends form part and parcel of my life and it's not fair no will it be accurate just to write down a point or two about them. The true spirit of giving isn't a transaction - there's no expectations nor getting anything in return. And of course, there were entries on family. I didn't know how I survived my teengage years when family crises combined with crazy stuff happening in secondary school almost destroyed me. Nevertheless, my blog definitely played a part to tide me over. When I was older, I took things with a more matured perspective and even when I look back on some particular entries about family, my mind will be flooded by memories and then my tear ducts will be activated. And yes, this isn't manly at all. Now for my 2nd blog, it was started cos I needed to survive NS - or maybe known as the National-process-for-making-people Stupid. Too much time on hand, too little brain action can really make one dull. I too needed an avenue to work on my language which certainly got out of hand with the kind of dialect mixed with plenty of colourful vulgarities from all over. If I recall correctly, entries in both blogs tat were happy or joyous, were usually shorter than the ones that are filled with emotions, disappointments, frustrations etc. I've had my fair share of blog surfing and to be honest, it just didn't feel right when my emotions swayed along reading other people's blogs and especially when they are the ones whom I feel something for. Love is an unconditional gift. Before you can give it out, you need to know how to receive with an open mind and open heart. Many months ago when I got sucked into the vortex of negativism when I hung out too much and saw too many emo posts of my current buddy Yijun. I call her gaode/sweeeeety palms and even my phone, her name's 'gaode yijun'. Yes yes, I did start to like her a little more than a year ago but thankfully what I felt for her died off very much prematurely thanks to her super-emoness & negativism for a few months and may be, cos I fell sick when I went running in the rain with her. Now, she has her bernie for support and I think they are going to be just fine =) Even talking to Rach the other time online, I realised that I set double standards too. I was angry when things got out of hand and more people getting implicated. On my side, wasn't I doing the same thing? Hah!. Bel mentioned that what I did for MF was nice and genuine and whatever I do after that paled in comparison. Well, MF is a friend now and that's all it's going to be. So whenever I go out for dinner or supper with her, it's purely friendship. And it's cool that we managed to joke all about this just a few weeks back and managed to bring in a short gathering with Peng Kiat after dinner at Bt Timah Hawker Ctr. I managed to stay away from her for 6 months, breaking all kinds of contact. But when we finally met and chat downstairs, I know I've gotten over her and our friendship was intact! And so it seems, and maybe it's true - I don't know what I really want with arrows being shot out to anyone that comes close. I have questioned myself: Do I really like her? What do I like about her? When did I start noticing her? It's kind of amazing but also, increasingly frustrating that I know I'm not helping myself here in whatever I've done. 'm also feeling reluctant to act to prove people's perceptions wrong. Because I know I can escape to this blog, hiding my feelings and pouring it out here. It doesn't matter cos she hardly comes visiting this blog and besides, even if she sees this, she may not know it's referring to her and also, she won't do a thing cos there's nothing needed to be done. Yet it seems like I can't really settle down with what I'm feeling and maybe I'm really comfortable with how my life is...but I know, this simply cannot go on. Right now, I will get on with life and not escape into the cyber world like what I did 10 years back with blogging and relentless lan-gaming. This is sad that there's still some anger, frustrations, hesitation, longingness with the final entry. I need to move on with my life and sometime later in life, I just want to look back, laugh at myself for being the joker I was until 31st October 2009. I hope to resume proper social life and find my friends more often out in the real world. If you want to know my updates or just to check whether I'm still alive, all you have to do is ask. Thoughts need to be sorted. Acts need to be gathered. Until that day comes, this blog is no more. Take care and I hope everyone will be happy too. Cheers |
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