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Saturday, October 31, 2009
Stopped making waves/ 12:43 AM It's been a nice 10 years of blogging. It's about time for me to really re-think my priorities in life and also to hold back any thoughts of penning down my thoughts. Blogging has been part of my life but I guess this life needs some adjustments. The cyber world is a good place to write down my thoughts, my feelings, my experience and keeping my friends updated on my happenings, in case they ever wonder if I'm still alive. And many a times, I've seen how things can go out of hand just by mere words typed out on the screen. So I've decided. This is it... If there's a problem, solve it. If it can't be solved, talk it out. If it can't be talked, then perhaps there isn't a problem at all or you are choosing to ignore it... Today marks the day. It's 4 years of nice memories this blog holds and 6 years' worth from my first blog. I remembered I started off by touching on current affairs and how I hoped the democrats will win the presidency back in 1999. Slowly, the entries morphed into my personal diary where I'll write out something closer to the heart and reflections about life. I even set new year resolutions for myself year by year and towards the end of December each year, I'll look back and see how many targets I've achieved. Not to forget, entries in my first blog were to remember particular events and people - like how I blogged about my sec sch classmates when I graduated from RV. I practically had to force myself to recall something unique and particular about them so that I can remind myself of their good points (or weirdness) in the later years. It's because friends form part and parcel of my life and it's not fair no will it be accurate just to write down a point or two about them. The true spirit of giving isn't a transaction - there's no expectations nor getting anything in return. And of course, there were entries on family. I didn't know how I survived my teengage years when family crises combined with crazy stuff happening in secondary school almost destroyed me. Nevertheless, my blog definitely played a part to tide me over. When I was older, I took things with a more matured perspective and even when I look back on some particular entries about family, my mind will be flooded by memories and then my tear ducts will be activated. And yes, this isn't manly at all. Now for my 2nd blog, it was started cos I needed to survive NS - or maybe known as the National-process-for-making-people Stupid. Too much time on hand, too little brain action can really make one dull. I too needed an avenue to work on my language which certainly got out of hand with the kind of dialect mixed with plenty of colourful vulgarities from all over. If I recall correctly, entries in both blogs tat were happy or joyous, were usually shorter than the ones that are filled with emotions, disappointments, frustrations etc. I've had my fair share of blog surfing and to be honest, it just didn't feel right when my emotions swayed along reading other people's blogs and especially when they are the ones whom I feel something for. Love is an unconditional gift. Before you can give it out, you need to know how to receive with an open mind and open heart. Many months ago when I got sucked into the vortex of negativism when I hung out too much and saw too many emo posts of my current buddy Yijun. I call her gaode/sweeeeety palms and even my phone, her name's 'gaode yijun'. Yes yes, I did start to like her a little more than a year ago but thankfully what I felt for her died off very much prematurely thanks to her super-emoness & negativism for a few months and may be, cos I fell sick when I went running in the rain with her. Now, she has her bernie for support and I think they are going to be just fine =) Even talking to Rach the other time online, I realised that I set double standards too. I was angry when things got out of hand and more people getting implicated. On my side, wasn't I doing the same thing? Hah!. Bel mentioned that what I did for MF was nice and genuine and whatever I do after that paled in comparison. Well, MF is a friend now and that's all it's going to be. So whenever I go out for dinner or supper with her, it's purely friendship. And it's cool that we managed to joke all about this just a few weeks back and managed to bring in a short gathering with Peng Kiat after dinner at Bt Timah Hawker Ctr. I managed to stay away from her for 6 months, breaking all kinds of contact. But when we finally met and chat downstairs, I know I've gotten over her and our friendship was intact! And so it seems, and maybe it's true - I don't know what I really want with arrows being shot out to anyone that comes close. I have questioned myself: Do I really like her? What do I like about her? When did I start noticing her? It's kind of amazing but also, increasingly frustrating that I know I'm not helping myself here in whatever I've done. 'm also feeling reluctant to act to prove people's perceptions wrong. Because I know I can escape to this blog, hiding my feelings and pouring it out here. It doesn't matter cos she hardly comes visiting this blog and besides, even if she sees this, she may not know it's referring to her and also, she won't do a thing cos there's nothing needed to be done. Yet it seems like I can't really settle down with what I'm feeling and maybe I'm really comfortable with how my life is...but I know, this simply cannot go on. Right now, I will get on with life and not escape into the cyber world like what I did 10 years back with blogging and relentless lan-gaming. This is sad that there's still some anger, frustrations, hesitation, longingness with the final entry. I need to move on with my life and sometime later in life, I just want to look back, laugh at myself for being the joker I was until 31st October 2009. I hope to resume proper social life and find my friends more often out in the real world. If you want to know my updates or just to check whether I'm still alive, all you have to do is ask. Thoughts need to be sorted. Acts need to be gathered. Until that day comes, this blog is no more. Take care and I hope everyone will be happy too. Cheers |
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Thursday, October 29, 2009
move on/ 8:36 PM Now that it's back to the lull period, I'm free-er to do more stuff. The fact that I'm not spending time working on my already-lacking studying schedule...but rather thinking of things that I ought to have left buried, forgotten and moved on since a few weeks back. I thought this will be a passing thing yet again but apparently, the signs are there that it's not. And this sucks... Move on Marvin, move on... |
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blog/ 12:40 AM thats why i said blogging is dangerous. misunderstandings get worsen and doesnt quite solve anything. -_-" |
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Wednesday, October 28, 2009
grandma/ 2:37 AM With the slowing down in school activities, I finally had the chance to talk to my grandma. And even though we revolved around similar topics over and over again, she's always so interested to share and bitch (yes, she bitches to me too) and find out more about my life. And I'm more than glad to share with her. Many a times, I'll come home as early as possible just to play with my nephews or when I know my grandma will be cooking something special. I know that she is the only person who's keeping this family together. Even she knows this fact herself. 2 hours of non-stop chatting, there were funny moments and there were some slightly emotional ones too. I'm clearly her favourite grandson and somehow even closer than some of her own kids. I love my grandma - my best friend of 23 years and for many more years to come. (side note: I suddenly realised some similarities between my mum and someone I know and this is rather surprising....=X) |
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Tuesday, October 27, 2009
over/ 3:24 PM I guess I can safely say the worst is finally over...Barely surviving on 2-3 hours of sleep each day and downing caffeine like nobody's business, it was a sooner or later thing my body will shut down on me. It's just like a few days' back when I was sending them back, I felt so tired that I dozed off infront of a red light junction. Apparently, it is not only alcohol that'll make me feel that way... It's amazing to see how people perform under pressure. Some crack as it is the real test of mental endurance and emotional capacity. But it's also a good time to look see the real character of a person. Knowing that you'll probably survive when the going gets tough, the worst you can possibly do is breathe down people's necks, make things difficult for them, and pick on them. I'm a person who works around problem and work on them cos I don't think it'll resolve anything by creating even more problems. Even though I may be stepping out of my student shell, I won't lose the principle of offering basic benevolence - I don't like a person, I keep it professional, I even feel sorry for him/her. That's my principle of humanity. I'm glad I can be part of an awesome group who is willing to go the extra mile to do extra stuff to spoil market. I'm typing this entry whilst in bm211 and it's nice to hear how my friends kbing my group for spoiling mkt during today's svc mkting presentation. It's not perfect but it's good enough to make the those who're going to present next week sweat! Muahaha... It's time to recharge the deprived supply for sleep + squash + some personal time + application of jobs. And yes, I'm in a hyper mood once again even though my shag face don't quite show it..haha! =) |
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Saturday, October 24, 2009
a series of negativities/ 12:24 PM My world is spiralling into a wave of emotional negativism. Facing with really really awful deadlines where cock ups still occur at submission time. I'm so consumed with the projects and the cockup that happened last Wednesday simply just piled up on the it. The inadequacy of sleep for consecutive days. Missing out on meaningful social interaction and hiding into my shell. And not being able to engage in proper stress-leasing activities like soccer and squash. Good thing is I know many friends out there who are facing the same or worse shit than me. No, I'm not saying I'm happy that they're worse off. (hmmz, maybe i am...haha...kidding) The idea of 'shared misery' somehow lightens things up. I know they've got my back and I just them to know that I've got theirs too. And yes, I don't say it often but thank goodness I've got buddies like Jinhui as my project grpmate since year 2. We are brothers-in-agony! Song bo! In the darkest hours when you think the world is perhaps better off if you just suddenly collapse and die and to make it worse, no one cares...that's when Life comes in to give us a tiny push, just enough to spur us on. I was surprisingly delighted with the some random events like having carpark lots and getting free car wash from the rain. I know my guardian angels up there are looking out for me (and that's why I fear accumulating too much bad karma too. lol~). Just a few weeks back I contemplated ending this blog after writing for more than 10 years. I told myself "it was time to move on and for goodness sake, find a proper human being to if I want to vent and rant" The blog has been a good way of getting updates of friends, especially those whom you hardly have time to meet. It's friends like xinhe who just popped by over msn to find out after reading, and then offering some words of encouragement. And this can be a tell-tale sign me suffering from potential burnout especially I start blogging frequently or writing long entries like this. It's my little way of escapism and it works pretty fine. There are no problems too big out there, I'll be here as long as you are willing to share. Tough times don't last...Everyone, hang in there. |
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Thursday, October 22, 2009
FML/ 11:38 AM I'm still too fucking stunned for words. I can't believe this happend under my charge. Still, it did happen and I can only be a man - face the repurcussions. Grad trip funds may be affected. I can only pray it won't be too badly affected zzzzz FML, like seriously...is this karma or what man. AAARGHHH Too much anger now I need to let it out. |
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Teary Wed/ 1:26 AM After dropping Bel off, the journey back home was torturous. I had to find ways to stay awake on my way back, a feeling that's awfully similar to my previous experiences of driving after a drink or two. After shower, I sat infront of my laptop and just cronked out in an instant. Though it was a short 15min power nap, it was a sign my body was at its brink. I had to zi high for the whole day today and this was obviously my body and mind shutting down. The moment I closed my eyes, my eyes teared like mad... Good thing is I can look forward to proper life after the projects and glad to have a great bunch of friends to tank this crap together. I will need to unwind through squash though. And I'm looking forward to Friday night already. Awesome... |
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Sunday, October 18, 2009
restless/ 2:20 AM As usual, when I'm facing deadlines, I'll do anything in the world except sitting down proper to complete the work. This is sick... Take yesterday for instance. After a whole day of meeting, went home to play with Nath and Aldrik before getting out to play squash with John & Javin. Eugene joined us for supper @ Bt Timah. By the time I got home, I decided to go for a last min run. Note to self: alright, stamina for 2.4 is back! Today, it's reading my Lufthansa case halfway before KO-ing a few times. I can't believe I completed How I Met Your Mother Season 4 in 3 days and I'm off watching Chuck. The day ended with frog leg porridge with Xinhe and Wanling @ Bt Timah (yes, again!). I love talking to them about anything in the world and looks like XH is pro about fortune-telling lobangs..woots.. Where's my determination and discipline....urgh... Well, at least I don't mind some squash / running / supper. I'm quite enjoying it anyway! haha |
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Saturday, October 17, 2009
Love food/ 4:29 PM I love food, especially those that are made with love. I just had the best tasting chicken soup since a long long time cos my ah ma thought I deserve something for the late nights chionging school work. This is something that's irreplaceable and not surprisingly, it is the reason why I choose to move back home after just a semester of hall life. And yes, I'm also the living evidence of what kind of damage "good food with love" can do to anybody. PS: That does not give my ah ma an excuse to cook really lousy food. Haha |
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Thursday, October 15, 2009
headache/ 11:42 PM 2 panadols can ease the headache. It eases the symptoms but doesn't cure the problem. Then again, many a times people look for quick relief rather than go down to find out the what lies deeper within. Cos there are too much uncertainty and too much at stake. And we refuse to face up to them. The easy way out |
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009
6 months/ 8:22 PM It's been 6 months since we last met. It was nice catching up with her once again, this time at the foot of our block where we unknowingly just chat for more than an hour. It came as a surprise when she called out to me cos she spotted me parking my car. Things have changed. Nevertheless, I'm happy for her. I truly am. =) |
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Sunday, October 11, 2009
How I Met Your Mother/ 9:22 PM "How I Met Your Mother" is like, the new F.R.I.E.N.D.S...I love it. It's funny, witty and the chemistry between the actors were great! The story, the lessons, the sort of revelation and enlightenment you sort of get at the end of certain episods are simply awesome. Best part is, some of those are like describing certain chapters in my life. One lesson goes like this... "You may think your only choice is to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face. There's a 3rd option: You can just let it go. And only when you do that it's really gone. Then, you can move forward..." Soccer today wasn't too bad. Started off poorly cos I had to wear my previous pair of soccer boots which practically had no friction on the soles. I was like, sliding around in the court and slipped a couple times without the ball near me. I was increasingly frustrated with the kind of performance on the court. At the very first chance, I convinced john detty and jav to play squash. We drove back in my car to get my racket and New Balance shoes. Guess what, the court below my house was empty! Called the rest to come over. Oh, the other court we played in the morning was just across the street and yes, I drove there cos I needed to go to the bank and I was afraid of losing $ on my way back home. HAHA.. And after just 15 min, I threw the boots away and went up to grab New Balance. The feeling and grip on the ground was amazing! I even told myself that alright, my soccer day has just started! Besides scoring goals, it's the passes I made too! We were crazy to play till 1+ and by the end of which, I was and in fact, still am pretty red n hot -_-'' If things do go well, my performance on the court should improve further. I have to vent something somewhere and soccer was obviously the best option! Recharged =) |
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Saturday, October 10, 2009
Saturday night life/ 11:46 PM It's a saturday night and I should go out to enjoy myself. It's a saturday night and I should go out to enjoy myself. It's a saturday night and I should go out to enjoy myself. It's a saturday night and I should go out to enjoy myself. It's a saturday night and I should go out to enjoy myself. And yes! I'm going out now for some drinks and sing in a ktv pub! woohoo! No talking, lotsa singing! That's life! |
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Thursday, October 08, 2009
tv/ 9:38 PM FD - The uno man! I love blog tv (watching now as I'm typing this), the wit and insights in the discussion are really engaging! That's what I call real TV programme~ And it's weird. They say, the more you think in the day, the more you'll dream of it at night. scarily true. And it's been for a few weeks already... Hmm..just wondering why didn't I dream of 6 sets of toto jackpot numbers till now. At least with that, it'll be a some major tangibilised takeaway! ha Bought a corded phone to install in my room. Now my room has 2 phones - a corded one and a cordless one. Well, it's not to satisfy my make-me-mr-popular dream (not that I have this dream, that is). It's just quite sick to have the cordless phone to die on me when I'm chatting with my frens. BUT the thing is, the new phone wasnt working...zzzz....have to make a trip to IMM in the next few days to make an exchange. And oh Buddha / God / Guardian Angel / Whoever's up there and just happen to be listening, please bless my friends strength to get through this wickedly tough period. Give us some spark of to come up with really cool ideas and ability to overcome any mental block. Ok, with divine intervention, all of you now owe me a drink =P haha |
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let's shine
Learning to love Learning to live with regret Learning to forgive Learning how to forget Learn to shine & be that guiding light. Let us all shine. |
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